Private' Messages
by bloodchaos
Summary: You can tell a lot about a woman by the contents of her purse. But what can you tell about your favourite FF characters by the messages in their mobiles? Humor guaranteed. Need more reviews people
1. Cloud

**Disclaimer:- I do not own Final Fantasy 7 or any of its characters. I don't even own any name that may appear in the fic.**

**A/N:- I had a lot of fun writing this fic so I probably will continue this story with even deeper and darker secrets and possibly other people's cell-phones. I might even include cross-over messages. Thanks to a good friend for beta-ing.**

'Reno...where did you find that cell-phone?' Elena asked as she looked at the battered and damp cell phone.

Reno flicked his hair and told her that it was Cloud's phone and he had found it underwater in Ajit.

'Maybe we should return it,' Elena said as she walked towards their chopper that was standing stationary in the forgotten capital, Ajit.

'Admit it Laney, you just _want_ to meet Cloud.'

After hitting him on the head, Elena decided that they'd return the cell-phone. However, Reno had other plans...

**Click. You have 17 new messages.**

'Cool!' Reno said, while pressing random numbers. 'Lets hear 'em!'

Elena shook her head in disapproval. Sure Laney, as if that's gonna stop Reno.

**Message 1**

_Beep_

_Cloud, this is Tifa. I know you're off on another Aeris-depression mission thing, but you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning like I asked you to. You'd better get your sorry ass here, mister, and pick these clothes up. They won't wash themselves you know. By the way, I was thinking-_

_Beep_

**Message 2**

_Beep_

_How rude! Not rude as in Rude who has a crush on me, I meant rude as in why the heck should your beep cut me off so quick. Anyways, I was thinking that tonight, we could invite Shera and Cid for dinner. Don't they look adorable together? Oops, have to go. See ya! And pick up the dry cleaning._

_Beep_

**Message 3**

_Beep_

_Cloud...this is Yuffie. So when are you gonna meet me again? Does Tifa know about your little 'visits'? Oh, and I got you more 'materia'...heh heh heh..._

_Beep_

**Message 4**

_Beep_

_Hello, Mr. Strife. We are calling from Midgar Blockbuster movie rentals. We would like to inform you that we still have not received the bill from you for the movie 'Dr. Do me a Little' and 'White Chicks'...the movies that you borrowed.Please hurry up and send the bill. Thankyou._

_Beep_

'Hey, I've seen Dr. Do me a Little!' Reno cried excitedly before Elena gave him a death-glare.

**Message 5**

_Beep_

_Evening Mr. Strife. I am calling from the Sector 6 Tailor's shop to tell you that the hole in the butt of the pants you sent us cannot be sewn. We are terribly sorry, and we would like to give you a free hand sewn sock as a token of our sorrow. Please come to Sector 6 Tailors again. Thankyou._

_Beep_

**Message 6**

_Beep_

_Hello? Hello? How is this contraption made use of? Hello? Oh, forget it._

_Beep_

**Message 7**

_Beep_

_Sorry about that last message Cloud, I think I've got the hang of using this device. This is Vincent Valentine, if you couldn't tell. I have called to tell you that I deeply appreciate your kindness in buying me a phone. However, I don't think I will be using this quite often. But you have my deepest and most heartfelt thanks._

_Beep_

**Message 8**

_Beep_

_Yo Spikey! Guess who? Yep, it's me Barret. Just called to tell ya that I'll be over in a couple of hours. Tell Marlene for me, won't ya?_

_Beep_

**Message 9**

_Beep_

_Good Evening Cloud, this is Vincent. I called to tell you that you left your body lotion at my house when you came to visit. Please come by and pick it up quickly. Reeve keeps asking if he may use it on me, and frankly I find that very disturbing._

_Beep_

**Message 10**

_Beep_

_Hello. Hi, like, my name is, like, Cloe and I'd ,like...love it if you'd, like...um...I dunno...like, deliver yourself to me, because like, you're just too damn hot! Like, pretty please? Like, then maybe later you could marry me?_

_Beep_

**Message 11**

_Beep_

_Cloud, it is I...Sephiroth! Heh heh, just kidding, it's Reno. Nope, kidding again, it's Aeris! Nah, it's just me, Reno._

_Beep_

**Message 12**

_Beep_

_Cloud, this is Vincent. I...um...just called to say that...uh...nice weather we're having, isn't it? (Thunder crashes in the background)Anyway, I hope you're doing well. I am. Once again, thank you for the phone. I think I'll go and call Cid now. Adieu._

_Beep_

**Message 13**

_Beep_

_Well thanks a lot, chocobo brains, now you gone and done it! Ya just HAD to buy Valentine that damn phone, didn't ya! Now he's calling me every frickin' minute of every frickin' day! He's obsessed with the f thing! Way to go! Oh, Shera sends her love and is asking when you and Tifa are gonna get hitched. By the way, this was Cid._

_Beep_

**Message 14**

_Beep_

_Good evening Cloud...is your refrigerator running in your premises? If that is so, I suggest that you go and retrieve it! Cloud, this was Vincent. I just made my first ever crank call! Isn't that wonderful! I am so funny!_

_Beep_

**Message 15**

_Beep_

_I'm gonna murder you, you f retard! NOW idiot Valentine is callin' me and askin' if my fridge is running! I don't have a damn fridge! I buy take-away. 'Course, Shera thinks I'm eatin' her home-cooked slop. WHY did you get Valentine that thing! Now we have to deal with his crank calls...and they aren't even good! Hey, it's still Cid, just in case ya couldn't tell._

_Beep_

**Message 16**

_Beep_

_Cloud...this is Aeris. Cloud, I thought I loved you. But my heart belongs to Reno because he is too damn hot, much hotter than you or Sephiroth could ever be._

_Beep_

'You called him yourself, didn't you?', Elena asked, baring her teeth. Reno nodded his head happily.

'And I don't suppose you know that Aeris is dead, do you?'

Reno's face went white and he gulped. 'Heh, woops.'

**Message 17**

_Beep_

_Good Evening Cloud. This is Vincent, and I called just for the heck of it. Hey Cloud, when the battery on a cell phone is blank and it starts flashing, what does that mean? Does it mean that the battery if full-_

_Beep_

**You have no more new messages.**

Reno and Elena decided between themselves that this would not leave Ajit.

**R&R please people! I don't mind flames even! Please review and tell if you want any yaoi or CloudxAnyone pairings in the story.And if you wanna read anyone else's 'unread mail messages...' ;-)**


	2. Rufus

**A/N:- Thank you sooooo much for the reviews people! You rock sooooo much! (Dances with the victory fanfare playing in the background)**

**Disclaimer:- I do not own FF7 or any of its characters. Waaaaaah!**

**I owe a million thanks to all my reviewers and especially a really close friend who helped me a lot.**

'Tseng! Tseng!' the young blonde president called through his office. 'In my office at once!'

Tseng fixed his tie and made his way into Rufus' office. The president grabbed his coat and made his way out of the office the second Tseng entered. 'Manage the office while I make the rounds of the Shinra Company'.

Tseng gave the President an obedient bow and seated himself at the head of the desk. A little while later, Elena and Reno popped their heads through the door and Reno began, 'Which lucky Turk gets to watch the office _this_ time?'

'It ain't me!' Elena said, waving her hands.

'Why not?' Reno asked, annoyed.

'Just because,' Elena said, stomping off.

'Elena, watch the office for me please!' Tseng called out to her as he slowly got up.

'Yes sir!' Elena said, running back quickly and seating herself on the desk. Reno and Tseng left the room and Elena was left humming to herself. Suddenly...she spotted a telephone.

**You have 20 New Messages**

'Must resist...resist Laney!' Elena cried to herself, trying to hold back the urge. Too late.

**Message 1**

_Beep_

_Rufus honey, this is Ma Shinra. Why don't you ever call me, honey, your Ma misses you ever so much! Ever since your Pa died, you ain't ever visited me. And don't you start that 'I'm a grown man' crap with me, honey, you're still Mama's little boy. Why yes you are! Yes you are! Yes you are! Yes you-_

_Beep_

**Message 2**

_Beep_

_Like, sir, this is Chloe. Like, I know you fired me from my secratary job, but, like, sir, I'm, like, so madly in love with you sir! Like, please marry me sir! I love you sir!_

_Beep_

**Message 3**

_Beep_

_Good morning. This is Snow-White Dry Cleaning sir. We would like to inform you that the last 250 white suits you sent us have been dry cleaned and are ready for picking up. Thankyou._

_Beep_

**Message 4**

_Beep_

_Rufus...this is your father. I'm not really dead...I'm...Reno! Haha, gotcha! Hiya boss! Please don't fire me!_

_Beep_

**Message 5**

_Beep_

_Hello, President Rufus? This is Tifa Lockheart from AVALANCHE. I'd like to ask you if Cloud has been around your parts lately. You see, he keeps saying something about 'Rufus...Shinra...Reunion'. It's really freaky, so could you please ask him to come home? Bye!_

_Beep_

**Message 6**

_Beep_

_Hello Mr. Shinra, this is Joe Joseph from the dating agency. We are sorry to inform you that no girl seemed interested in you. Apparently, your description stated that you had a hairy mole on your forehead and that you were bald. Better luck next time!_

_Beep_

**Message 7**

_Beep_

_Yo boss, it's Reno. I filled in and dropped off that 'Physical Description Card' you wanted me to, at the Dating Agency's office. Just wanted to tell ya that. Bye!_

_Beep_

**Message 8**

_Beep_

_Hello boss, this is Elena. Tseng just stubbed his toe...I thought you should know. Hey boss, that rhymes!_

_Beep_

**Message 9**

_Beep_

_I say, my good man is your air conditioner running in the vicinity? If that is so, I suggest you go and retrieve it! This was Vincent Valentine, the lord of crank calling. I am a genius._

_Beep_

**Message 10**

_Beep_

_It's Rude, sir...Just called to tell you that the mission's accomplished...I'll go now...I'm hanging up...Don't wait any longer...Yes sir, I'm going...Almost gone...I don't want to waste any more of your time...Just called, you know...you tell us to call if the job's done...so I did...Oh yeah, just remembered, a man named-_

_Beep_

**Message 11**

_Beep_

_Hey Rufy-Wufy...guess who? It's Yuffie. Cloud still doesn't know about us. What an idiot. But then again, he is kinda cute and VERY emo...so, when do we meet again? I mean, after all, I got you more 'materia'...heh heh heh..._

_Beep_

**Message 12**

_Beep_

_Hey Yuffie, this is Cloud. I...uh...I've been wanting to meet you...Tifa doesn't know about us...yet. I...uh...wanted to talk to you about our relationship. Is it going anywhere? I would love it if you...HOLY SHIT, THIS IS RUFUS' NUMBER!_

_Beep_

**Message 13**

_Beep_

_Rufus...this is Sephiroth. I'm going to kill you and make you suffer the same fate as your father did...just kidding boss, its Reno. Please don't fire me boss, I have a wife and two kids, and my Aunt Muriel has nail cancer and-_

_Beep_

**Message 14**

_Beep_

_Boss, this is Elena. I wanted to tell you that Tseng is having an epileptic siezure. I mean, he's all shaking and stuff, and it's freaking me out. So, any time you're free, drop by and help him out, alright? I mean, if that's okay with you. Okay then, bye._

_Beep_

**Message 15**

_Beep_

_False alarm sir, Tseng just had a fly down his throat. Heh, silly me. Bye, sir._

_Beep_

**Message 16**

_Beep_

_Mr. Shinra, this is Joe Joseph from the dating agency. We are happy to inform you that a man, who calls himself Strife, has started to develop a slight interest in you. Congratulations!_

_Beep_

**Message 17**

_Beep_

_Yo Prez, ma man! This is Barret, callin' to thank ya fer lookin' after Marlene last Sunday. I wanted to ask ya if you're free on next Sunday, so I could drop her at your place again._

_Beep_

**Message 18**

_Beep_

_Is this the Shinra Company French restaurant? If so, do you have Frog's legs? And if so, do you hop to work? This was Vincent Valentine with yet another amazing crank call! I know, I know, you all burn with jealousy at my amazing sense of humour, but not everyone is gifted!_

_Beep_

**Message 19**

_Beep_

_Rufy, honey, this is Ma Shinra. If you don't bring your tushy back home this instant, you can forget about going with me to the beauty parlour like you always do._

_Beep_

**Message 20**

_Beep_

_Hey Rufus, this is Kadaj. I met Ma Shinra at the dentist's, and she was asking why you aren't calling her. Oh wait, she wants to talk to you, hold on...Rufy, honey, this is Ma Shinra. I want you to come home and pick up some clean underwear, honey, you've been wearing that same one forever..._

_Beep_

Elena's face went red as she tried to hold in her laughter. Suddenly, the door swung open and president Rufus marched in.

'Oh, Elena...I thought Tseng was here. Anyways, was everything alright?'

Elena held her breath and prayed he wouldn't suspect a thing. 'Yes sir, everything was fine'.

'Very good', Rufus said, seating himself on his leather chair. As soon as Elena left the room, Rufus turned on the messaging system on his phone.

**You have No New Messages**

Rufus sighed and leaned back on his chair. 'Nobody ever calls me'.

**Well, I hope you all liked it. Poor Rufus, eh? Please review and tell me if you'd like anyone else's 'Private Messages' revealed. By the looks of things, I'm guessing one of the SHM are next. Yay! Oh yeah, R&R please!**


	3. Kadaj, Yazoo, Loz

**A/N: Whoohoo! More reviews! I love you all sooo much!**

**And for those of you who don't know, the SHM are the 'Silver Haired Men', aka: Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo. (Don't feel bad, it took me a while to figure that out too.)**

**Well, this was not easy. It was a close call between Reno and the SHM. But in the end, it was decided by the difference of only one review and...it's the SHM! So, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer:- I do not own Final Fantasy 7 or any of its characters. Sigh.**

* * *

Reno and Rude walked towards Zack's Buster Sword which was placed deep into the soil. The sword was covered with rust and had a few cracks here and there. Reno examined the sword carefully and then stopped at the bottom of the sword. 'Yo buddy, check this out!'

The taller Turk walked closer towards Reno and bent down next to him. 'Its a phone, Reno. Ever heard of one?'

Reno picked the cell phone up and dusted it a bit to reveal a message written on it with pink marker.

'Property of Kadaj. Touch it, and I'll break your face'

'Wow, looks like somebody is possessive...' Reno said slyly while punching in a few numbers on the phone.

**You have 7 New Messages**

'Oh no...' Rude said to himself as an evil grin spread on Reno's face.

**Message 1**

_Beep_

_Kadaj, this is big brother number 2...Yazoo. Hey, that rhymes! Kadaj, when are we gonna go to that pizza place you were talking about? And when are we gonna pick big brother number 3...Loz, up from the rehabilitation center?_

_Beep_

**Message 2**

_Beep_

_Excuse me sir, but I keep receiving SMS's and calls from you in which you keep calling me 'Mother'. You and these two other friends of yours. I am not Mother, and I am not Jenova. I'm not even married, you retard! My name is Julia, not Mother. Repeat after me...J.U.L.I.A. Call me again and I'll...tell my boyfriend or something._

_Beep_

**Message 3**

_Beep_

_Kadaj, this is Big brother number 2...Yazoo. Mother just called me and scolded me and told me to call her Julia. Big brother number 0...Cloud, said that this was Mother's number, right? Didn't he give you this number to call on if we ever wanted Mother? Hurry up and tell me, because I think Loz is crying._

_Beep_

**Message 4**

_Beep_

_Kadaju baby, this is Chloe's twin sister...Cloe! Like, I heard you dumped my sister! Like, that is sooo rude! I mean, how dare you, like, dump my own twin sister? So, I guess you're, like, free...so you, like, wanna come over to my place?_

_Beep_

**Message 5**

_Beep_

_Kadaj, this is Big Brother number 2...Yazoo. Guess what? Loz just said his first word! It sounded something like...'Shwit Head'. Oh, if only you were there!_

_Beep_

**Message 6**

_Beep_

_Kadaj, this is Sephiroth! Mwahahahaha! Just kidding, it's Reno. Haha, got ya! It's me, Mother! Nope, wrong again! It's Reno! Haha!_

_Beep_

**Message 7**

_Beep_

_Kadaj, this is Sephiroth. And no, this is not Reno. Nor Aeris. Nor Mother. Nor Pa Sh...er...President Shinra. This is the one and only Sephiroth. Now listen, I can't call for long because the bill is a lot. Listen, I will mail you the steps of how to re-incarnate me. Just call me and tell me if is your e-mail address. And for the love of Mother, this is not Reno_

_Beep_

'Hah, this cracks me up!' Reno cried, wiping a tear off his eye.

'...Well I thought Loz's first words were very emotional,' Rude said, taking out a handkerchief from his pocket and blowing his nose on it.

**You have 1 Deleted Message**

'Cool!' Reno said, opening the deleted message.

**Message 1**

_Beep_

_Kadaj, this is...um...Vincenta Valentino, from last night, do you remember? I wanted to ask you why you are not responding to my calls and if you have spread the story of what happened yesterday night between us. Goodbye. I am so smart. I know you couldn't tell who it was, Kadaj. It was I, Vincent Valentine, the crank calling phenomenon!_

_Beep_

* * *

'Mr. President, this was the only shred of evidence we could find about the clones of Sephiroth, sir,' a Shinra Company employee said sternly, as he handed a thin black mobile phone to the President Rufus.

The president inspected it carefully and read the sticker on the back of the phone.

'Property of Yazoo. Kindly keep your grummy little hands off it'

'Hmmm...' the president said. 'Elena, take care of it'.

He tossed the phone to Elena who caught it, saluted and quickly jogged of towards her cubicle. And then...

**You have 10 New Messages**

'This should be fun...heh heh heh.' Elena snickered wickedly to herself.

**Message 1**

_Beep_

_Big brother number 2...Yazoo...this Loz. Loz wanna say hello. Loz also wanna say when Yazoo come to play tea-party with Loz. Loz miss Yazoo and cry. Bye bye._

_Beep_

**Message 2**

_Beep_

_Big brother number 2...Yazoo, why you not talking to Loz on the phone? Loz know you are there. Yazoo Yazoo Yazoo Yazoo Yazoo...come quickly or Loz will cry! Yazoo Yazoo Yazoo Yazoo... that's it, Loz is leaving Yazoo all alone! Loz will go and marry Hercules and become strong man! Yazoo Yazoo Yazoo Yazoo Ya-_

_Beep_

**Message 3**

_Beep_

_Hello Yazoo, this is Aunt Mary from the Rehabilitation Center. We would like to inform you that your brother Loz has now almost fully recovered from his phobia of silver haired men. Although we may need to keep him here a little longer as he is developing a fear of air and refuses to breathe. Thank you._

_Beep_

**Message 4**

_Beep_

_Yazoo, this is Vincent. No, wait, this is NOT Vincent. I am a random stranger crank calling you. My name is...Vince! And I am here to ask you if your toaster is heating? And if so, would you like me to spray it with ice? Do you understand it? I spray it with ice and it cools? By the way, this was Vincent Valentine, as I know you couldn't tell. I am such a-_

_Beep_

**Message 5**

_Beep_

_Yazoo, this is Sephiroth. No, this is not Reno, this is Sephiroth. SEPHIROTH. Now listen up closely. Kadaj is a dumbass who followed my instructions incorrectly and re-incarnated a blonde teenager who is obsessed with blitz-ball. Although I cannot blame him, blitz-ball is a good work out. Good for the hips. NO! I mean-_

_Beep_

**Message 6**

_Beep_

_When I come back to life, the first thing I do is to increase the time limit allowed for talking on your mobile. Now, back to my evil scheme. To re-incarnate me, you must take a female virgin chocobo and smother it in chocolate sauce. Not Vanilla. Not Strawberry. Definetly not Soya sauce. C.H.O.C.O.L.A.T.E. sauce. Next, you must-_

_Beep_

**Message 7**

_Beep_

_I am starting to hate your mobile more than I hate Cloud. Now, after smothering the female virgin chocobo with chocolate sauce, roast her and feed her to the orphans, the poor and the hungry. But after they are done eating, tell them that the sauce they thought was barbeque sauce is actually CHOCOLATE SAUCE! Imagine the looks on their faces! Mwahahahaha-_

_Beep_

**Message 8**

_Beep_

_Yazooooo...this is Yuffie. How you doin', honey? I've got plenty 'materia'...heh heh heh. And the best part is, Cloud and Rufus are both in Midgar while you three are in...um...where do you guys live anyways? Call me. Bu-bye!_

_Beep_

**Message 9**

_Beep_

_Hello ma'am, we're calling from Forgotten Capital Tailors, and we'd like to tell you that the pink dress you asked us to make is ready and you can come pick it up any time you like. Bye!_

_Beep_

**Message 10**

_Beep_

_Hey punk? Who the hell do you think you are to crank call my girl friend and keep calling her 'Jenova' and 'Mother', huh? Wait till I get my hands on you B#, I'm so gonna kill you and those two rats who work with you. If I ever see you messing with my girlfriend ever again, I'll...uh...I'll sock you one! Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do! Sock you-_

_Beep_

'Loz, where is your mobile?' Yazoo asked sternly with his hands on his hips and his pink apron tied tightly around his waist. ' Didn't Yazoo and Kadaj tell Loz NOT to play with his mobile near ravines?'

'Loz is sorry,' Loz said sadly as he bent his head.

'It's ok, Kadaj will look for it in the morning. Go and play now.'

Loz happily ran off to his bedroom and Yazoo smiled and shook his head. He looked at Loz in a proud way. 'Kids...they grow up so fast!'

* * *

Meanwhile, in the 7th Heaven bar, the Turks were over and everyone was enjoying a drink. Yes, they were enjoying a drink even though they were mortal enemies. Suddenly, Cloud felt something hard under his _Glutius Maximus_. 'Hey, I think I'm sitting on something hard.'

Everybody stopped what they were doing and faced Cloud as he revealed from under his butt a black mobile phone with Super-Man stickers on it, saying

'Loz have a mobile.'

Reno and Elena winked at each other and in an instance, Elena snatched the mobile from Cloud and pressed some numbers.

**You have 587 New Messages**

'Damn he's popular!' Reno said surprised as the screen went black and a new message appeared.

**Just kidding loser. You have 8 New messages**

**Message 1**

_Beep_

_Hello Loz. This is Aunt Mary from the Rehab- I mean Happy Place. Loz, are you breathing normally? Loz honey, air will not eat you, and silver haired men do not have broomsticks and talking rabbits. They are good people Loz. Now, take a deep breath and keep breathing. I'll call again, bye._

_Beep_

**Message 2**

_Beep_

_Hey Loz, this is Kadaj. Nope, it's Reno! Just kidding, it's Yazoo. Hah, you believed me? It's just me, Sephiroth! But my true identity is...Reno! Hahaha!_

_Beep_

**Message 3**

_Beep_

_Loz, this is Sephiroth. Not Reno, not Vincent, not the tooth fairy. It is me, Sephiroth. Loz, my good brother, go and slap Yazoo for me. The goof that he is, he brought that stupid pink coloured flower thing back by smothering the chocobo with chicken sauce. Do you know how hard I tried to kill her? Well this time, try my second plan of reincarn-_

_Beep_

**Message 4**

_Beep_

_Remind me to destroy your mobile when I return. Now, this time, take a brown fluffy bear and make Cloud fall in love with it. When he does that, spray-paint the scalp of the bear silver and show it to Cloud at midnight. Then, I shall return, mwahahahaha! By the way, mother sends her love._

_Beep_

**Message 5**

_Beep_

_Hey Loz, this is Vincent. Loz, my good man, are you having a brain-freeze? And if so, would you like me (stops and laughs) to 'unfreeze' it for you? I am Vincent Valentine, the lord of crank calling! Loz, join my side and become a crank caller! You must not resist!_

_Beep_

**Message 6**

_Beep_

_Loz, you dumbass you brought Pa Shinra...er...I mean...President Shinra back to life! Now the planet will suffer from world hunger again! Damn you and your stupid brothers! Which numbskull's clones are you? I swear, this time I'm gonna just re-incarnate myself...yes Loz, I know I don't have any hands or feet._

_Beep_

**Message 7**

_Beep_

_Hi Loz...this is Marlene. Papa wants me to stay with Mr. Rufus this weekend but I don't like him because he keeps calling me Barlene. Loz, I want you to be my mommy! Loz, come take me away forever! Be the wind under my tired pinions, dear, and take me to a sacred haven, for people like you and me! People who's intelligence is misunder-_

_Beep_

By this time, the sounds of laughter and shouts had woken Tifa from her sleep. She climbed down the stairs wearily and saw Cloud with the Turks, all of them crowded around a cell-phone.

'Hey Tifa, could you make some drinks for us since you're up anyways?' Cloud asked, barely looking at her.

'No way Cloud! You and your friends can get your lazy butts out of my bar and drink somewhere else!' Tifa said with an angry look on her face. Suddenly, she saw the last message appearing on the phone.

Tifa's face went pale and she swallowed hard. 'Cloud, honey, let's not hear the last message, please?'. Too late.

**Message 8**

_Beep_

_Hey Loz, this is Tifa. Um...Cloud is out of town...so I thought it would be okay if I called you. Um... so when are you gonna pick me up? Are we going to go for Chinese or to some romantic French cafe? Hurry up and tell me before Cloud comes and finds out.Bye. (makes a kiss sound)_

_Beep_

Everyone turned their heads in unison at Tifa as she turned scarlet. 'Heh heh,' she began 'So, about those drinks...'

* * *

**Yay, the longest chapter I've ever written! Please review it and tell me who should come next. Oh, and this chapter is dedicated to all those good reviewers who took some time out of their lives to review this story. But it is also written for the people who wanted to see the Silver Haired Men's 'private' messages.**


	4. Reno

**MWAHAHAHA! ALMOST 1000 HITS! I LOVE YOU! LONG LIVE YOU! LONG LIVE YOU! WHO IS YOU ANYWAY! WHY AM I SCREAMING! Sorry, over excited.**

**A/N:- This chapter is dedicated to all you beautiful (or handsome, whatever the case may be) people who reviewed. But a special dedication to:-**

**Dreaming Rain (For beta-ing the fic)**

**SaphirexSerpent (For wanting to write a fic for me...I like it when people write fics for me :) )**

**My older brother (For pitching in a few good ideas)**

**A really good friend (For her unique sense of humor)**

**Disclaimer:- I do not own Final Fantasy 7 or any of its characters. I didn't even own any of the names in the previous chapter or in this chapter.**

In the 7th Heaven bar...a few minutes after the events of chapter 3...

Everyone stared at Tifa, and Cloud's eyes filled with tears as he made a puppy-dog face.

'So...drinks? Anyone...heh heh heh,' Tifa laughed nervously as Cloud burst into tears.

'Okay, I'll go now' Tifa said quickly as she grabbed her coat and walked out of the bar. Poor girl didn't realise it was one in the morning and that the streets were empty.

'Yo Cloud, you're not really sad, are you?' Reno asked, patting him on the back.

'Not really,' Cloud replied with a shrug. 'I mean, I'm pretty cruel myself.'

'No duh,' Reno said, taking a sip from his beer bottle. 'Especially after all the calls Yuffie gives you. Hey Laney, remember the time we found Cloud's phone and read all his private messages?'

Elena slapped her hand on her forehead and Cloud started to growl.

'Yeah, I read quite a few messages and Elena told me a couple of the President's messages too,' Reno said obliviously. Elena gave Reno a look of affectionate pity and Cloud head-butted him off his stool.

'Looks like _someone _has had a lot of booze,' Rude commented as he fell off his stool, snoring. Despite Reno's swearing and slashing, Cloud managed to steal his phone and run up to his room. And then...

**You have 20 New Messages**

'Now, sweet vengence is mine!' Cloud said with a grin. When suddenly...

**Please Input your Password**

'Dammit' Cloud swore as he tried everything that came into his head. _'Lets try...RENO...okay, didn't work. Let's try... RUDE. Wow, that didn't even work. I think I know... RENOLOVESELENAANDWILLONEDAYMARRYHER...wow...that didn't even work. Maybe this'll work...CLOUD...'_

**Password Correct. Welcome Reno, King of the Underworld**

**Message 1**

_Beep_

_Reno, this is Vincent. Did I ever tell you the classic joke about the refrigerator? Oh well, here goes. Is your refrigerator running in the vicinity? And if so, should I go and retrive it for you! Haha! Do you not think that crank call is just simply amazing? If I do say so myself. Oh yes, and Reno, do me a favour. Pass this crank call to as many people as you can think of._

_Beep_

**Message 2**

_Beep_

_Reno, this is Elena. Why the hell did you SMS that stupid, dumb and idiotic fridge joke to me? I mean, how lame can anybody get? It sounded like one of Vincent's crank calls. Man, Reno, are you getting old?_

_Beep_

**Message 3**

_Beep_

_Reno, this is President Shinra. I have a new mission for you. And do NOT make up another excuse about you being married and having two kids. And there is no such thing as nail cancer, toe cancer and most definetly not hair cancer._

_Beep_

**Message 4**

_Beep_

_Good afternoon Reno, this is Tseng speaking. I have a mission of great importance for you. I picked you of all the Turks because this mission requires delicate handling and quick thinking. One must have all these skills and more to become a Turk and complete a mission as impossible as this one. Did I mention the time when I once had a mission similar to this one? The rain was pouring and the storm was-_

_Beep_

**Message 5**

_Beep_

_getting more destructive by the second. The thunder roared, shaking the heavens and making everyone scream like little school girls, except for me. For nothing can weaken my resolve ,as I am the greatest Turk of all! There was also this other time when I had to go to the beauty salon to purchase some hair straightner, until I realised that the beauty salon-_

_Beep_

**Message 6**

_Beep_

_I was in did'nt sell hair straightner. I stormed out of the salon angrily and to my surprise I realised that the salon was acctually a bakery. Oh, bakery reminds me of the time I accompanied my grandmother to purchase some shoes. Which were purple with ribbons and kitty heels. But then my grandma remembered that she was buying shoes for herself, not for me, so she bought army boots instead. Which reminds me of a time when-_

_Beep_

**Message 7**

_Beep_

_Reno, this is Rufus. I overheard Tseng talking to you and I believe he forgot to tell you what the damn mission was. Now Reno, listen carefully, because my life depends on this mission. This mission is of great importance, and requires great strength and concentration. This is a life threaning mission. Reno...you must go to the...Lucky Twinkles Princess Bakery and...get me a donut._

_Beep_

**Message 8**

_Beep_

_Ok, whoever you are, just shut up and listen. To reincarnate me...Sephiroth...who is not Reno...you must follow these simple instructions. First, capture the rare Midgarian beer fly. Next, dip it in extra virgin olive oil on the night of a full moon when three pink dogs howl in a well. Next, take a strand of Hojo's hair from respectable areas and place it inside a taco shell. Then shove it up your-_

_Beep_

**Message 9**

_Beep_

_Mr. Reno, this is your doctor, Dr. Homer-Hendel-Lado-Sabun-John-Jonathan-Jacobo-Chocobo-Brother-Marina-Corrina-Tarzan-Donald-Mickey-Goofy-Schmidt...MBBs, PhD, BBBBBBBBs, BSc, MSc, Grade 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...(Eerie silence)...as I was saying, your recent test results have come. I must remind you yet again, please refrain from taking the rare Midgarian beer fly dipped in extra virgin olive oil on the night of a full moon when three pink dogs howl in a well with a strand of Hojo's hair from respectable areas and placed inside a taco shell, and shoving it up your-_

_Beep_

**Message 10**

_Beep_

_Reno...it's Rude...your partner...in crime...the bald one...the one with self-esteem issues...yeah, I'm him...just wanted to call...y'know, 'cause I'm a friend...and friends call...so I called...'cause I'm a friend...and friends call...just thought I'd ask...how you're doing...'cause I'm a friend...and friends call...which reminds me, there was a girl interested in dating you. She's really hot and totally into you and her number is-_

_Beep_

**Message 11**

_Beep_

_Reno, this is a totally random stranger named Vincent...not Vincent Valentine...just Vincent...who just so happens to be crank calling you at this very moment. Do you think that you happen to be 'hot'? If so, I suggest you take a...(snickers)...a 'chill pill'! Oh my, I amuse myself so! Yes mortal, it is I, the god of crank calling... Vincent Valentine!_

_Beep_

**Message 12**

_Beep_

_Foolish dumbass mortal! This is Sephiroth...not Reno...you jackass, you reincarnated my real mother, Lucrecia! F#$ you! F#$ you! F#$ you! F#$ you!_

_Beep_

**Message 13**

_Beep_

_Hey Reno...like, this is, like, Chloe and I, like,...got dumped, like,...again. So...um... I, like, called the Nibelheim Garden of Love and they said that they'd arrange a marriage for me in, like,...two weeks. But, like,...I don't have a husband and I, like, think you need a husband to, like, get married so will you, like, be my husband? Oh pretty please?_

_Beep_

**Message 14**

_Beep_

_Hi Reno dear, this is Lucrecia. Thank you for reincarnating me...accidentally. Could you please give my number to Vincent and his friends? And could you also tell Vincent that I'm alive and have a phone...but don't tell Hojo that. Thanks. Bye!_

_Beep_

**Message 15**

_Beep_

_Hey Reno baby...this is Yuffie. So...when are you gonna take me to the movies like you promised? On Friday I have a date with Cloud and Yazoo has to meet me on Wednesday. So I'm free on Monday. Oh...and I got some 'materia' for you...heh heh heh..._

_Beep_

**Message 16**

_Beep_

_Reno, this is Lucrecia. Tell Vincent that I'm going and freezing myself in a Mako crystal in an underwater cave near Costa Del Sol. The man, as much as I love him...will not stop crank calling me! Reno, its driving me crazy! Lock me in a crystal and break my phone! Vincent is calling himself 'Lord of the cranks'! Oh God, Reno, just shoot me!_

_Beep_

**Message 17**

_Beep_

_Reno, this is Rufus. I must congratulate you on accomplishing the mission. Only problem is, you asshole, I AM ALLERGIC TO RASIN COATED DONUTS! DIDN'T I WARN YOU NOT TO GET RASIN COATED DONUTS? I ASKED FOR THE ONES WITH SPRINKLES! SPRINKLES, YOU DRUNK BUFFOON! Okay yeah, that's all._

_Beep_

**Message 18**

_Beep_

_Mr. Reno...uh...Turk? This is Jason calling from the General Store. We have a new supply of red hair-dye and gel. Just thought you should know. And when are you going to return that spikey orange-red wig you borrowed from us 15 years ago? Well...let me know then. Thanks._

_Beep_

**Message 19**

_Beep_

_Foolish idiot, this is Sephiroth...NOT Reno. Why do people keep calling me Reno? Anyways, just shut up and follow the list of instructions that will bring me back to life. First of all, take a silver wig and place it on a bald male chocobo and smother it in sticky grape juice. When that is done, make it wear kitty heels on the night of a three quarter moon when two goldfish are-_

_Beep_

**Message 20**

_Beep_

_-swiming in a pond with yellow water. Then I shall fall from the heavens. This is where you must spot me falling with a pair of binoculars and then throw a pillow below me when I come. The rest will happen naturally. I take my beloved Masamune and slice your head off and then I go off and destroy the planet. Simple and clean._

_Beep_

When Cloud was fairly satisfied with tweaking up Reno's phone and changing the password to 'RENOISADUMBASS', he decided it was time to return it, when suddenly the cell-phone started to ring. Now Cloud knew that he should'nt have answered Reno's phone, but he did anyways. (Yeah, go figure)

**Beep**

**A/N:- Hello people, your author here! Just here to tell you all that because this chapter wasn't as good as the previous ones, I've decided to give you all a special treat by catching Vincent in the crank-calling drama red-handed. Right then...I'm going...don't try and stop me...Yeah, I'm leaving...**

**Beep**

Cloud decided that he'd answer the phone anyways.

Cloud: Hello?

Vincent: Hello Reno.

Cloud: No man, this is Cloud.

Vincent: Yes Reno, I'm sure you are. Just as you are Sephiroth, Aeris, Lucrecia and Pa Shinra.

Cloud: Pa Shinra?

Vincent: So, Reno, this is Vincent. Not Vincent Valentine, just plain Vincent.

Cloud: Eh?

Vincent: My full name is Vincent...Vincento!

Cloud: Vincent Vincento? Oh...heh heh heh (evil grin). Ok Mr. Vincento, why did you call me?

Vincent: Well Reno, I called to ask you if your refrigerator is running in the premises.

Cloud: Sorry Mr. Vincento, but I don't own a refrigerator.

Vincent: Well then...(coughs)...how about your air conditioner?

Cloud: Nope, sorry. My air conditioner is off.

Vincent: Toaster?

Cloud: Nope.

Vincent: Aha! Your light is running!

Cloud: Lights don't run.

Vincent: Well then...Do you have frog's legs in your kitchen?

Cloud: Nope.

Vincent: Rabbit's legs? Chicken legs? Chocobo legs?

Cloud: Nope. Sorry.

(Vincent hangs up quickly)

Cloud: Heh heh heh.

Then suddenly, Reno ran into the room. 'Cloud, what the hell are you doing with my phone?'

**Well everybody, the fourth chapter is finally over. I feel so terrible. Reno is one of my favourite characters and I messed up on his chapter so bad. Sorry folks...writer's block. I'll try my best to make the next chapter MUCH better. Which is why I need you great people to review and tell me who it should be on.**


	5. Tifa

**Hello all, I am finally back with an update! (Finally being the key word here) Key reminds me of Chocolate. Kidding, it reminds me of Kingdom Hearts 2, which I have finally purchased. (Finaly being the key word here too). Is it just me, or does Seipher look better in KH2 than he does in FF8? O.O Sorry, I'll finally let you read the fic now. (You guessed it…finally is the key word here too)**

**A/N:- It was a close tie between Tifa and Vincent and ... Rude! But the winner was...Tifa! So, please…go on and read.**

**Special note:- This chapter is a special dedication to SapphireXSerpent, who wrote one of the best VinAer fics I've ever read. It's called 'Memories Should'nt be Forgotten'. So go on and read that story, review it and make her happy.**

**Disclaimer:- They just want to make me cry. Okay, I don't own anyone or anything to do with Final Fantasy. Great, now I'm crying.**

'Thankyou ma'am, please come again'. The cashier went back to filing her nails, leaving Tifa to carry her three grocery bags all on her own. After much groaning and painstaking labour, the brunette martial artist managed to carry her bags to the lift. She got in and closed the door shut before anyone else could get it.

Tifa pressed the 'ground' button on the lift and waited for the lift to go from the 65th floor all the way down to the ground floor.

_Why do I do my groceries from the Shinra company when I have a grocery right next to my bar…?_

But before these mysteries of life could be answered, her mobile gave out a beeping sound. She had just received a message. After realising she had plenty of time to kill, Tifa took out her cell phone to check her messages.

**You Have 15 New Messages**

'Great' Tifa said, raising the phone's volume to 'full'.

**Message 1**

_Beep_

_Hey Tifa…this is Tifa. Just called to check if the phone works. And no, it's not stupid to call yourself to check if your phone works. Well, catch you later Tifa! Come and stop by sometime soon, won't you? We could have lunch together. Oh, gotta go! Barret's head is stuck in his shirt again. Bye!_

_Beep_

**Message 2**

_Beep_

_Miss Lockheart, this is a random stranger named…Vinny the Pooh calling you. I would just like to inform you that…if you have chicken wings…(snickers)…do you 'fly' to work! Hah! You'd never have known it was I, Vincent Valentine crank calling you! Hah! I love my job!_

_Beep_

**Message 3**

_Beep_

_Tifa…this is Reeve. I wanted to know if Vincent is at your place. I've sent my stuffed cat after him, but I can't seem to find him anywhere. If you find him, tell him that he forgot his…er…shoe at my house and that he should come and get it. He did'nt 'really' forget it, but I just want him to drop by._

_Beep_

**Message 4**

_Beep_

_Tifa…my sweet Tifa…this is Loz…your Romeo, for you are my Juliet. My sun. The air I breath in. Tifa…I must see your majestic and beautiful face once more…for I cannot breathe without thy prescence near me! Oh yeah, you left your extra padded bra at my place…you might wanna come and pick it up._

_Beep_

**Message 5**

_Beep_

_Tifa, this is Yuffie. Listen up, sister! I need my materia back! And I don't care if you stuff them in your bra! They are mine and mine alone, you hear me! Mine! Well, gotta go and call Cloud to confess my undying love for him. Later!_

_Beep_

**Message 6**

_Beep_

_Hello, Miss Lockheart? This is Sandy Baxton from the…happy place. Now please call me back and tell me if you are over Cloud yet or not. Are you having fun with patient…I mean fellow member Loz? Is he good enough? You must learn to let go of Cloud. Let go….leeeet goooo! Leeeet goooo! Leee-_

_Beep_

**Message 7**

_Beep_

_(Heavy breathing)…….Tifa…..I know what you did last summer….you…..you…..YOU WERE THE ONE WHO ATE ELENA'S GUMMY BEARS! HAHAHA! This was Aeris. Just kidding, this was Rude. Yeah right. This was Reno. Seriously, this was Reno._

_Beep_

**Message 8**

_Beep_

_Okay, listen up woman. This is Sephiroth calling you from the lifestream. I only have five minutes of calling time before my 5 quarters finish. That's why I need you to hear and understand and carry out these instructions carefully. I, Sephiroth the great, must return to this planet and take over it before Christmas. Which is why-_

_Beep_

**Message 9**

_Beep_

_Find your happy place, Seph, find your happy place. (Takes deep breaths) Okay. I need you to re-incarnate me. First, buy a cat which has one blue eye and one green eye and is a fluint in japanese. Next, name the cat Juju and then Please insert 5 quarters for the next call, thankyou._

_Noooooooooooooooooooooooo-_

_Beep_

**Message 10**

_Beep_

_Tifa, this is Shera. Cid told me that Vincent was staying with you for the time-being. Tifa…if it's not too much trouble, please ask Vincent to stop crank-calling me and Cid. It's really starting to get a little annoying. Thankyou!_

_Beep_

**Message 11**

_Beep_

_Hey Tifa, this is Aeris. Guess what! Someone just re-incarnated me! Is'nt that great! I just have to go and tell Cloud that I'm back. I heard he was going to propose to me! That's wonderful, is'nt it! Me and Cloud will get married and he'll love me and ssssh Laney, I'm trying to make Tifa think I'm Aeris when acctually I'm Reno and-_

_Beep_

**Message 12**

_Beep_

_Tifa…this is yer aunt… Gigi Google Granny Gumplemyer Shmidt callin. How are ya, shuga? Hows yer father? Hows yer mother? Hows that husband of yours…whats his name? Johhny. Oh yeah, Johhny. How is he? Ya have any kids? No? Okay hun, gotta go. Bye._

_Beep_

'But I don't have an aunt Gigi Google Granny Gumplemyer Shmidt' Tifa, still confused, went back to her mobile.

**Message 13**

_Beep_

_Ahem. Miss Lockheart, this is Jerry from the museum of natural history. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you'll be receiving a fine of 2000 gil. It seems like your son…Denzel, has been messing with museum property. Apparently, he rubbed out something on the sign of 'Homo Sapien'…ma'am…he rubbed out the 'Sapien' bit and now it's only 'Homo'._

_Beep_

**Message 14**

_Beep_

_Okay listen up Tifa. This is Shera. I want you to take that F-ing Vincent's F-ing phone and flush it down the F-ing toilet. Next, I want you to kill him and every other person with a phone in this world! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Get away from me Cid! I'm not going ta take my pills! Hah! You can't make me! Eeeeeeeeeyayayayayayaaaaaaaaaaa!_

_Beep_

**Message 15**

_Beep_

_Tifa, this is Vincento Valentino. Not Vincent Valentine. I just wanted to ask you… are you too cool for school! Hah! Funny, was it not! Muahahaha! This was Vincent, Lord of the cranks, baby! Yes! Give me some! Yes! I am so cool! I am too cool for school! I need chill pills, I'm so cool I'm going to freeze! Hah!_

_Beep_

Tifa quickly closed her phone when the lift came to a stop on the ground floor. 'Well' she said happily to herself. 'Atleast no one got to hear any of _my_ messages like Cloud and Reno. She walked out of the lift with a sense of pride…failing to realise that someone was watching all of this through the security camera in the lift.

'Muahahahahhahaha!' Rude laughed as he switched the security screen off. 'Now I know all of her weaknesses! Hahahahahahaha!' He started waving his hands in the air, hitting the coffee mug on his table.

'Hahahahah-owowowowowo Owie!' he screamed as the hot liquid fell on his pants. Rude will be Rude.

**Well, sorry for the really long wait. I was out of ideas, which is one of the reasons this chapter is'nt so good. My apologies. R&R please! And the next chapter might be on Vincent, unless told otherwise. Bye! And also...very sorry for any grammer or spelling mistakes. I did'nt get this chapter beta-fied. (Or whatever the word is)**

**Okay...this is a note for all Final Fantasy X players. Go to Final Fantasy X and read my story 'Love's Labour Lost'. Then, once you read it, review it. Or else I shall stop writing this fic! Muahahaha! I've got the power! Yeah! And I'm dead serious people...atleast give that fic...I dunno...um 2 reviews? Fine fine, 15 will do. Heh heh...reviews are my life!**


End file.
